She Says Love

On Romance, "She Says" RomanceSheSays7.5.JPG (5123 bytes)

What a rush! I was trying to relax in my most comfortable chair after another numbing day at work, when in walks my sweetheart with a sheepish look on his face while holding a sack of groceries in one hand and clutching a bouquet of roses in the other. My first thought is not that he had done something wrong and needed to make amends. Because, you see, I live with one of those most rare of species: a man who knows something about romance as we girls define it.

Looking at the big picture, I must confess what a relief it is to spend every day with a housemate who really does have a romantic bone in his body. A man who actually knows a romantic gesture when he sees one, who can be original and spontaneous and who usually knows where to draw the line. For example, he knows better than to suggest that we go see a romantic movie." I don’t mind romantic movies but as a romantic gesture, it is way too predictable for me. This doesn’t apply to everyone and some of us love romantic movies.

Of course, the recent trend in movies is to portray movie romance between male octogenarians and female teen babes. I would ask, when will it be our turn in the movies, for the romantic relationship between the suave and mature female and the younger teen hunk guy. Most likely, it will probably never happen because girls are not making the movies. Oh well! So what else is romantic?

What could be more romantic than a cruise aboard a fabulous floating city? That is fine for some, but I can’t swim so I hate boats and my shipmate gets seasick. But flowers from Safeway Grocery for "no reason at all". Now that is romantic.

How can one define romance? Is there any rhyme or reason behind what people think and feel is romantic and qualifies as true romance? Probably not. It always comes down to personal preferences and individual personalities.

One woman told a story about how her most romantic moment came when she felt her husband finally understood what she needed in order to relax was a "time out". This particular woman worked hard, long hours all day, every day, in addition to the child caring duties associated with having three small children. What her husband did was take her to a nice quiet hotel room after a simple but elegantly quiet meal at a new restaurant that he picked. Her room had her favorite flowers and the book she had wanted to read for months already there waiting for her. And then he left her there, all alone, all weekend, with a kiss and a fond farewell and a guarantee that he would be there to pick her up late Sunday evening and a promise that he wouldn’t tell anyone where she was.

Although this may seem to qualify as one of the more bizarre romantic gestures, for this woman, it was actually what she wanted and even more than she realized she needed and most important, a total surprise. For this woman, it was one of the nicest things he could have done for her, but for other women, such an event would have been a terrible disaster.

This issue of individual personalities brings up the Golden Rule of Romance: Know your woman! You can forget about any packaged plan or romance list of "romantic things to do". Some good ideas might be on a list, but just because it is there doesn’t mean it is right for the woman in your life. I love surprises and maybe you like them too, but just because you and I like them does not mean your partner would like a surprise party on her birthday or anniversary.

Some women would much rather receive something they have been wanting for years and have been dropping hints about for the past six months. For example, when she makes the statement, "that’s pretty", or "that look like fun", what does she need to do, drop a tire iron on your head.? You guys say, " I’m going to get me one of those, I want it". We would tend to say, "that looks nice".

Are diamonds always right? Most women would not spurn that diamond necklace, but you always run the risk of the diamond not being large enough or the style not being quite right. For some women, there is no such thing as a diamond too small or having too much jewelry. For other women, well, it's ok but she really would rather have had __________(you will have to fill in the blank here). Know thy woman!

Straight to the point, what does romance mean to a woman and what does it mean to a man. For men, romance is a means to an end and the end is almost always sex. For a woman, romance is the end and for us, it is difficult to separate sex and romance because they mean the same thing.

This does not imply that men don’t enjoy doing romantic things, setting up romantic scenarios and engineering romantic moments. Men are engineers by nature. They are the builder-uppers and tear’er-downers of our species. For a man, romance presents a challenge, a mountain to be climbed, a part that needs fixed and a race that is dangerous and threatening. Romance is an enemy that must be conquered.

But men should remember that all the flowers, candy, jewelry and candlelit dinners in the world won’t do a thing for your relationship if what your sweetheart really wants is new wallpaper in her bedroom. It is not true that there are unmarked graves of men everywhere who bit the dust after they bought their women a kitchen appliance for Valentine’s day. A new stove is not a bad gift, if give to the right woman at the right time. One more time guys.. know your woman.

For a woman, romance is life, or at least it should be and I can hear all you guys screaming now. "How are we supposed to know what she wants?" If you are clueless about how to pick up clues, you can always use the direct approach.

Sometimes the best way to know what she considers romantic is to ask her. But you may have to be indirectly direct; for example a statement like, "what you think is romantic honey", may be too threatening and you are likely to get a vague or ambiguous answer. A more indirect statement such as, "what do you think most women consider to be romantic, or what are some things you would buy for yourself if you won a thousand dollars and could only spend it on yourself or you would lose the money, or something like, I have been thinking we should take a vacation, got any ideas where we should go and so on and so forth".

If you think that is still too direct, let your ears be your guide. The next time you hear her say, "that sounds like that would be fun, or isn’t that pretty, or you see her staring at something and studying it carefully, write it down, discretely for future reference.

Are there universal romance themes, ideas and activities? Things that every woman would consider to be genuinely romantic. Probably not. There are just too many women for anything to be a 100% sure thing, but there are probably a few things that are pretty safe bets such as:

Candle light dinners; soft music, soft lights, quiet time by the fireplace, a moonlit walk, a stroll on the beach, a picnic lunch with wine and cheese in the park, slow, close dancing, a night-time horse and buggy ride, a really big diamond necklace (just kidding guys), a surprise trip to nowhere in particular, a babysitter for the kids at least one night a week, a favorite book, lots of hugs and kisses, love notes left in both strange and obvious places, an original poem or a love letter, a phone call at work for no reason and as always, flowers simply for no reason at all. The list could go on and on. You are only limited by your imagination.

You should also remember not to feign romantic when you are in the doghouse. She will see through this ruse immediately and find it shallow and self serving. If you are going to use a love note for an apology, that is fine, but don’t use it for a romantic overture until things have cooled off. The true essence of a romantic moment lies in the spirit behind it.

Yes, women do love romance; it is who we are. Yes we like roses from the roadside vendor, for no reason at all. For the romantic woman, a sincere and heartfelt romantic gesture means you expect nothing in return and no matter how you express it, they all mean to say the same thing, "I love you" It is impossible for us to hear that too many times or to become bored with how many ways you express these three simple and most important words.

Melissa Hopkins

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