Dating Don'ts

AllDateDoDont.JPG (4913 bytes) Dating Do's and Don'ts
ROMANCE CENTRAL

Does your dating life resemble a series of B monster flicks: Failure, Son of Failure, and Failure Two: The Sequel? Most of us have had enough experience in this field to suspect, at times, that the number one dating mistake is dating itself. But month after month of VCR watching or same-old-bar nights usually brings you right back to the very place that made you consider dating at all. If your luck has been all but perfect, if Sundays are endless obsessions of what-went-wrong Saturdays, you might want to consider these oft-committed first date faux pas.

1. Unrealistic Expectations
They might whisk you away from a speeding school bus, but that's about the only way a date should come to the rescue. Dates aren't heroes or heroines, they won't cure you of family troubles, depression, obsession, or any other blue period. If you go into every encounter thinking, maybe this is "it," you set yourself up for a phenomenal emotional free-fall. It really is just a date. What if your date looks to you as a Saint from Heaven come to cure all ills, or King Kong come to lift them up in your big, hairy hand? No one wants that responsibility. Focus on the friend part.

2. Excessive Disclosure
It might seem that sharing the deep, dark secrets of your past and present is the perfect way to bond with your date, but since you don't really know each other yet, what you're doing is creating a false intimacy for the purposes of connection (and you're cheating on your therapist at the same time!). No one's restricting the small talk to weather and sports, but a line gets crossed when you spill it about your sister's boyfriend's mother's family intervention, know what we mean? There's lots going on in your lives right now that you can talk about with the goal of getting to know each other. That family story, juicy as it may be, can wait.

3. Suppressing The Real You
Being who you think your date might want you to be instead of the real you is not only like lying (it is, in fact, lying), it sets up a power structure from the word "go." We all want to be liked. But if you think about it, wouldn't you rather be with someone who loves your odd hat collection or your outspokenness? In conforming to what you perceive your date might like (which you can never really know, anyway) you rob yourself of the opportunity to express all your unique characteristics, the ones that deserve to be celebrated. If your date isn't into them, this isn't the date for you.

4. Not Speaking Up
If you think your date has a cool factor to rival James Dean's, seems smarter than Marie Curie, or funnier than Robin Williams, say so. The dating ice cannot be better broken than with a genuine compliment. But if it's clear to you after a reasonable amount of time (see mistake #1) that you aren't attracted to the person romantically, that's something else to be up front about. You aren't protecting anyone's heartbreak by withholding important information like that. And speaking up shows a strong sense of self, which is empowering and attractive.

5. Bragging
OK, maybe you do actually frolic with the gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus after work each day, and your monthly income could build homes for 12 needy families. It's better to keep gems like those to yourself. Let the (very normal) desire to impress your date manifest itself in less irritating ways: show up with bunches of flowers, upgrade the restaurant you planned to go to, or end the evening with a spontaneous ice cream foray. Thoughtfulness will always conquer self-absorption, and be tons more appreciated.

6. Lying About Yourself
That yacht you used to frequent in the Mediterranean and your record-breaking, death-defying mountain climbs are certainly conversation starters, but even if you've mastered the art of creative truth-telling, it's best not to flaunt it. If things work out with this person, you'll soon be revealed for the clever weasel that you are. If things don't work out, you can never be sure it wasn't because of something you fabricated or purposely withheld.

7. Rude Behavior
The bad behaviors include, among others: flirting with others while on the date, showing up late or drunk, bringing your kids, pet or freaky cousin along without prior notice, and mouthing off to wait staff or cabbies. There are plenty of inconsiderate people out there without you adding to the colorful mix. Obviously, the unexpected does come up, but to the best of your ability, treat your date with the kind of respect you want for yourself.

8. Ex-Talking (cousin to mistake #2)
Droning on about the ex is the oldest mistake in the date book for a good reason: It's a rare and lonely person who relishes hearing the gory details on the monsters of your past, or the celestial virtues of the angels. If you've got a brief and fun story, that's one thing, but in general, you're better off focusing on you and your date in the here and now. Staying rooted in the present moment has some incredibly attractive qualities.

9. Being Too Sexual Too Soon
While this might seem an obvious mistake, it isn't to everyone. A few glasses of wine and a bundle of nerves can begin to accelerate an evening in a way that may become regrettable for both people involved. Not only do you rob yourself of the all-important getting-to-know-you stage, you also run more serious risks by being too impulsive in the bedroom. Talking about these things first may have killed a dramatic moment or two but no one, as far as we know, has ever died from embarrassment.

10. Giving Up Too Early
Disappointments are par for the dating course, so keep your second skin on and sally forth. There are some actually great people lurking (and smiling) in the shadows, and if you decide to marry your television, you'll just never know them. Not taking each date too seriously, and seeing them as opportunities to get to know other people (rather than praying for a perfect match every time) will help. If there were no disaster dates at all, you'd have fewer stories to pass down to future grandkids -- and the inspiration for monster movies would grow frightfully scarce.