I can say without hesitation that I am just as romantic as the average guy. Unfortunately, when dealing with romantic issues and females, that doesn’t help much because the average guy is just as clueless about romance as I am. I don’t really know if women are born romantics but I am certain that men are not born with a romance gene. If there is such a thing as a romance gene, ours must be stunted and underdeveloped. By heredity, men must surely qualify as the romantically disadvantaged.

Men do have some pretty neat genes that women don’t seem to have. For example, it must be our genes that makes us forget to close toilet lids, impels us to tear down things, run over small animals in the road and rush al l the way across town to watch a big fire.

For most women, romance is like air; they need it to breathe. They live in it, are surrounded by it and find it essential for a meaningful existence. Without it, they tend to suffocate. For men it is just the opposite. Instead of breathing it naturally, romance is like a heavy pollution that bogs us down, confuses us and makes us walk in dizzy circles. Men seldom make their living as romance novelists because it is difficult for us to write about that which we understand so little.

For women, sex and romance are like air and water. They swim in it effortlessly. For men, romance is a block of ice, an iceberg standing in front of that which we so reverently desire. For men, romance is the mountain that we must climb to accomplish our true goal. For women, romance is the mountain. Sex is just the tiny peak at the top. Men typically view romance as a trade to learn and a skill to be mastered, technically no different than car repair, woodworking, fishing or golf. For us romance is mostly a means to an end; whereas, for women, romance is an end in itself.

Unfortunately there is no school to attend, reliable books to read or safe places to practice boning up on our romantic skills. The only classroom is the real world where there are real women who thankfully are usually gentle patient souls while we stumble around in the nether world of romance. We learn about romance through trial and error and ask any woman; we come up with some truly comedic errors.

Even more unfortunate, men tend to learn about romance from other men. In most cases, a little knowledge from our brothers is be more dangerous than knowing nothing at all, like teaching a small boy how to pull the trigger without explaining which end the bullet comes from. In love and romance, where is the owners manual. We get one with our cars, tools, boats and sports equipment.

What the romantically challenged man needs is a manual on romance similar to what you get with a chain saw or riding mower. Or maybe if we could take romance apart like an engine, clean the points and plugs and put it back together—then we’d get it. Well, there isn’t any Owners Manual for romance—and if there were it would warn men never ever to compare the woman in their life to an internal combustion engine that needs tuning.

Although there’s no Yoda-like wisdom that unlocks the mystery of romance for genetically impaired male lovers, there are some lessons and strategies that struggling Don Juans have learned through the school of hard knocks.

When shopping for gifts, you should always remember that women are always thinking romance and not just on official romantic occasions such as wedding anniversaries and Valentine’s Day. A man should check every item for romantic content the way a woman checks the side of a package for fat grams. We heard about a guy who actually gave his wife a toolbox on their anniversary. What could he have been thinking?

Any smoochy, syrupy, sentimental thing you write yourself she will find very romantic, even if it has less literary merit than the directions for the new power tool you just bought.

Picking up on hints. This is a big one for any man seeking romantic brownie points. At least six weeks before a major gift holiday or occasion, start listening very carefully for hints. They will be there. Failure to pick up on hints could result in severe tire damage, if you know what I mean. (Memo to truly clueless guys: when we say hints, we mean verbal hints, not visual hints or signs, like the ones a catcher flashes to a pitcher). This also means that you actually have to "listen" to what she is saying.

Water and moonlight—the Hamburger Helpers of romance. Take any romantic interlude, add water and/or moonlight and you have instant romance! The best water, of course, is the ocean, but a lake will suffice, a river is serene, a steam is bubbly and even a backyard swimming pool will do if nothing else is available.

Whispers. Almost any statement is more romantic if said in a cooing whisper, except statements like "Do you think the lawn needs mowing?" or "Let’s go bowling sweetie!" Compliments about her appearance can be tricky but are ok if you are sincere and she is not having a bad hair day. You could just tell her how much you enjoy being with her every day.

Sweet-nothing notes left on a pillow or the bathroom counter. This is graduate-level stuff for advanced romantics. The average guy is about as likely to leave love notes as he is to put a jar of potpourri on his office desk. Even if you write like a 3^rd grader, the effect and the results can be amazing.

Other romance-killing practical gifts to be avoided, besides took boxes, include weed whackers, post hole diggers, radial tires, bathroom scales and large bags of cement. If you must give a practical gift, make it one with romantic uses, like a blender, which can be used to make intoxicating drinks for romantic occasions. When you think about it, a blender is not too romantic either and neither are most other household items like vacuums, stoves, refrigerators and sewing machines. Rule of Thumb: If it is practical, she will see it as work and not too romantic and you definitely get no points for originality.

Gifts with high romantic content: books of poetry, anything lacy, anything scented, jewelry (doesn’t have to be heart-shaped), tickets for a weekend getaway, lingerie (be careful here—ask the nice saleslady for advice). Flowers are good, but don’t forget to remove the price sticker from the wrapper, especially if you went cheap and shame on you for doing so.

Men have a strange relationship with flowers. I think we equate them with weeds or something that needs to be mowed, pulled or trimmed. Women tend to like flowers. Go with their instinct!

Timing is everything. An otherwise fine gift can blow up in your face if the timing is clueless. A 10-pound box of chocolates the same week your sweetheart went on a diet shows you haven’t been paying attention, which is definitely not romantic.

Women find surprises extremely romantic—maybe because men are so tediously predictable most of the time. It doesn’t take much: surprise her with wine and cheese and candlelight at midnight; an unscheduled trip, a park in the dark, a totally useless but pretty gift or something completely personal from you to her, especially something that you made, wrote, said or did…like fixing supper for her.

Caution: never listen to a woman who says "Oh, don’t do anything special. And whatever you do, don’t give me a surprise party!" What she probably means is: yes, please do something special, and I wouldn’t mind a surprise party.

Use some judgment when selecting a movie for that special night out. Movies with lots of guns, blood, car crashes and death generally do not qualify as romantic. What you are looking for are known as "chick" movies. Those would be movies with lots of kissing, hugging, tears, love and tenderness and even sadness. Just get the large popcorn and replay the last Cowboys’ game in your mind. At home, give her total control of the remote control for one night. This is guaranteed to drive her wild.